A Leader’s Guide to Conflict Resolution
As a leadership coach, I often encounter clients struggling with one of the most challenging aspects of leadership: handling difficult conversations. One of my coachees, Susan, a bright and ambitious team leader, came to me feeling stuck. She was anxious about a conversation she needed to have with one of her team members, David, who had been underperforming for several months. The thought of addressing the issue filled her with dread. She worried about damaging the relationship, but she knew she couldn’t avoid the conversation any longer.
“How do I approach this without making things worse?” Susan asked during one of our sessions, her voice filled with uncertainty.
Step 1: Setting Intentions
The first thing I shared with Susan was the importance of setting clear intentions before engaging in the conversation. When we enter difficult discussions without a clear purpose, we can come across as accusatory or defensive. “What is the outcome you’re hoping to achieve?” I asked her.
“I want David to understand the issue and improve his performance,” she said, “but I also want to maintain our working relationship.”
With this in mind, we outlined a plan to approach the conversation with both honesty and empathy. Susan would need to be direct about the problem while also expressing her commitment to helping David succeed. She didn’t want this to feel like a punishment, but an opportunity for growth.
Step 2: Creating a Safe Environment
Next, we talked about how to create a safe environment for the conversation. A lot of the anxiety surrounding difficult conversations comes from fear—fear of being misunderstood, fear of confrontation, or fear of harming the relationship. Leaders can reduce this fear by ensuring the other person feels respected and heard.
“Choose a neutral space,” I advised. “Maybe invite him to chat in a private meeting room or over a coffee, rather than at your desk or in front of others.”
We also discussed the importance of timing. Susan didn’t want to ambush David during a busy or stressful moment. Instead, she planned to schedule a dedicated time where both of them could speak openly without distractions.
Step 3: Using “I” Statements
One of the best tools for managing difficult conversations is the use of “I” statements. These statements focus on your own experience rather than accusing or blaming the other person. This helps reduce defensiveness.
Rather than saying, “You’ve been underperforming for months,” I encouraged Susan to reframe it: “I’ve noticed a dip in your performance recently, and I’m concerned because I know you’re capable of much more.”
This subtle shift in language is powerful. It allows the other person to understand the issue without feeling attacked, and it opens the door to dialogue rather than argument.
Step 4: Listening Actively
When Susan shared her concerns with David, it was crucial that she also listened. “Remember, this is a two-way conversation,” I reminded her. “Ask him how he feels, and genuinely listen to his response.”
Active listening helps build trust. Susan could use clarifying questions and paraphrasing to ensure she truly understood David’s perspective. This would also demonstrate that she cared about his experience, which would make him more open to addressing the issue.
Step 5: Collaborating on Solutions
The final piece of the puzzle was collaboration. Rather than dictating what David needed to do, Susan and I discussed how she could involve him in finding a solution.
“Ask him what support he needs to improve,” I suggested. “Make it a partnership.”
This strategy not only empowers the team member but also reinforces that leadership is about guidance and support, not just managing outcomes. Together, they could agree on clear action steps and follow-up checkpoints to track progress.
Conclusion: A Path Forward
When Susan finally had the conversation with David, she followed our plan. To her relief, David didn’t react defensively. In fact, he appreciated her honesty and the opportunity to improve. Their relationship remained strong, and his performance gradually improved, all because Susan had approached the situation with empathy, clarity, and collaboration.
Difficult conversations are inevitable in leadership, but when handled with care, they can lead to growth, stronger relationships, and more effective teams.